Live July 17

Whether we like it or not, he's the self-proclaimed governor of mid-Missouri, and he's the host of TTBS, the podcast. Since we can't shut him the hell up, here's Tom Bradley. Thank you, Nikki Garman, appreciate that. Nikki Garman, a lot of you remember her as being the queen of classic rock across the area. She's a really, really great lady, and a fantastic friend, and now, well, she's doing other things now. She's out of radio, lucky dog, and she is with Century 21 Community, so Nikki, thank you for that. Which, by the way, last week on the podcast, I said that. Do you remember me talking? I do, yeah, but it got cut off because of our audio problem. Yeah. I'm going to talk about that in a moment. You're listening to Ellis Bennis over here, and I'm going to change up one of our views while we're here talking about it. Good morning, Ellis. Good morning. Good to be here. Ellis Bennis with Floating Axe Technologies, and I'm going to do everything we did last week that no one got to be a part of. Absolutely. Floating Axe is taken from the Old Testament in the Bible. That's right, 2 Kings. Yeah, you told me that last week. I knew it was one of them kings. You're a religious guy. You're a minister. Absolutely. A Christian. Yes. Is it Christian to steal things from the Bible? I'm only asking. Wait, steal from? I'm just, I'm giving an homage to the scripture. I know what you're doing there, because even on your website, which is, what's your website? FloatingAxe.com, FloatingAxe.com. That's Floating Axe. If you're not listening, turn it up. It's not Floating Ass. No, no, no. There would not be. There's no story in the New Testament and Old Testament of Floating Axe. Unless you want to talk about Jesus and Peter walking on the water. Good God. Wow. It was feet, but you know, I'm just going to go along with what you're saying there. There were asses in the Bible, but generally they were beasts of burden. Beasts of burden. Right. Reminds me of some Rolling Stones. Anyway, on your website, FloatingAxe.com, it says, we perform small miracles for you. Small miracles like stealing from the Bible. We're live from Truman's Bar and Grill, as we are each week, unless we're in St. John. We'll talk about that in a second. This morning, I had like a heat them up from the freezer biscuit, chicken biscuit thing, which Jimmy Dean's has started putting those out, and there's a spicy one. It's actually not bad. All right. So I had it all ready to go, and I thought, don't forget your breakfast this morning, Tom. I got in the damn car, and I'm almost here, and I'm like, oh God. Was it still in the microwave? It was in the toaster oven. It was in the toaster oven. So I texted Deb, and I'm like, you've got breakfast waiting for you when you finish at the gym. She'd been going to the gym for a couple of months now. I think she's trying to get to the point that she can kick my ass. There's movies about women who get beefed up, and then they beat up. So I think she's going to do that, but Deb, I hope you enjoyed that. Meanwhile, I came to Truman's, and they made for me a biscuit breakfast sandwich. So it was delicious. If you hadn't have ousted that on the air, you could have come off as a really good husband. Hey, baby, I made you breakfast, and it's already in the toaster oven for you. Yeah, but everybody knows, you know. I'm not. And by the way, keep your eye on the crap, which you've already heard some on the show. Keep your eye on the crap. At the end of the podcast, we always feature something to remind you to keep your eye on, and brought to you by Family Focus Eye Care. If you're going to keep your eye on the crap, you've got to do that. So last week, I talked all about this. And the fact that I sent a special hello out to a friend from high school, Chris Settlemyer. We all know her as SETI. She is something funny, entertaining. She's a party maniac. And if you're going to go to the islands, you take SETI with you. Eighty-one of us went down there to see Johnny Henry and his band playing throughout the week on St. John. It was unbelievable. It was just really great. But she said, hey, I watched the podcast from there, and you guys cut me out. And I'm like, we don't edit. I said last week, we never edit this show ever, ever, ever. And I talked all about her. And I'm like, there is no editing, so you can't land on the editing room floor. And then we found out no audio ram. So what did we do? First thing we did was we edited the damn thing. So good morning, Chris Settlemyer. I hope you catch this. And I appreciate you. And all these years, God, we're closing in on our 45-year class reunion is next year. Forty-five years. Deb and I are closing in on 50 years since our first date. That's awesome. Only a few years away. So that is coming up. In the meantime, it is time to release the hounds. Brought to you by Creekside Pet Center and Dirty Harry's in Boonville and Creekside's Bed and Biscuit. And you know, when we talk about Creekside, I was walking Daisy Jane the other day. And when I'm walking her, I'm not out to train her on a leash, all right? I've got that extended leash thing going on. And so we're out in the morning. Like, we were out this morning at 4.30ish. And we're walking. And I let her go around and sniff everything she wants. Everything she wants to do. Because the Brummets at Creekside said, allow her to be curious. Allow her to explore. She wants to learn. And I've never forgotten that. Now I'd like them to explain to me how to keep her from barking like a watchdog. She thinks she's a watchdog now. Her bark is getting really big and powerful. I think we might have an alpha female on our hands. And you know, I'm not used to that in my life, I'm going to be honest with you. And I think we have an alpha female. And Harley the Wonder Dog was anything but an alpha male. He was like the omega male. So I don't… Not even beta. He was omega. He was at the bottom of the cycle. Exactly. Exactly. By the way, you can't see yourself on the screen right now, right? Nope, not right now. I'm watching the live stream though. I did click on the skinny button that you asked me to put on for you. Thank you. Hit it two or three times, please. I'll put that on. So thank you, Creekside, for being a part of everything we do. And oh, the announcement. Is that last night, she's almost nine months old, Daisy Jane. We've gotten her… We've pulled her into the pool a couple of times. Last night, she jumped in the pool. Awesome. Harley the Wonder Dog never… Never stepped foot? Jumped. No, no, no. He never jumped. He was a swimmer all the time. He wanted in every lake, stream, and pool you could… Ocean, it doesn't matter. But he never jumped. She jumped. Went for it. I think she's read stories about him. And she wants to outdo this guy. And I certainly… I certainly get that all the way through. It is time to bring to the table our guest this morning. And I love when people have a guest on whatever it might be. This next guest needs no introduction. It's like, then shut up. As they proceed to give a very long introduction. Right. Ladies and gentlemen, Brian Nooner. You and I have known each other a long, long time. Good morning. Wait a second. I don't have you on. I thought I would. That's one mistake that I've made so far. Good morning, Brian. Good morning, Tom. Good morning, Ellis. Hey, good morning. Thank you for being here this morning. What we're going to get into and talk about I find to be extremely important and interesting and of the times. And we'll talk about that in a moment. How long do you think you and I have known each other? Well, on my drive over here, Tom, I was thinking about those cut-ins we used to do for the Children's Miracle Network. Oh, my God. And for those of you who don't know Tom well, he's up for anything and he's incredibly creative. And those cut-ins that we did with Gary Drewing, I mean, I think people were turning in just to see what Tom was going to do next. And I was like the straight man. And Tom was the comedian. And I just had to kind of set him up for what he was going to do. But you know, you're good at that kind of thing. And then we had Gary in the middle, which is, here's Gary Drewing. I don't know what we're doing next. What's going on? Gary always had a sale, though. He always had a sale. He always had. Those were so much fun. The first time I was with Gary was 1985. Were you already on KOMU in 1985? No, I started in 1989. So around there is when we started doing those together. Yes. Good God, they were fun. They were a great, great time. You know, we wanted to give the viewers a reason to stay with us. You know, hey, we're going to go out to Mockett's, Ford, and where are we going? And honestly, in a lot of markets, what would happen is you'd be at the Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon. They'd have Frank Sinatra, and Jerry Lewis, and Dean Martin. And then you go to the local cut-ins. It's like, hi, we're back here in Little Rock. And so we just felt like it should be a lot more fun than that. Thank you for allowing me to do it and having fun with me. It was a good time. So Tom would like, they'd come to us and set it up like we're going to pitch live to Tom Bradley and Brian Nooner, but we only see Brian on camera. And then all of a sudden, you hear this noise from underneath a car, and Tom rolls out from underneath it. I'm on a crawler. I'm on a crawler. Like, he's a mechanic working on the car, and he's like, whew, you should see that Fetzer valve, you know. And for you Fletch fans, that's where that comes from. Oh my God, that was so much fun. But the one I remember most, Tom, was, you know, we were trying to help Gary sell cars too, and they had a minivan. And Tom had this idea to just show how much room it had. So we had the Golden Girls out there for the, they were out there for a break. Truman the Tiger was out there. I think we grabbed some of the employees from the dealership, and we couldn't get Gary to do it. Gary was being, he was being the straight man along with me. But Tom opens that van door, the side door, and we had it framed so you couldn't see the hatch up in the back. Oh, perfect. And so Tom comes out first, and he goes, you wouldn't believe how much room this van has. And then all of a sudden, you know, one of the employees comes out behind Tom, followed by the Gold, all the Golden Girls. And then somehow Truman squeezes through there. So it just looks like this is a black hole of space. I think we had some mechanics start coming out of the way. It was, and like I said, we couldn't get Gary to come through. Did any of this stuff survive? Can this wind up on YouTube at some point? There's all this stuff going. Oh my God. You know, this is before social media. Oh, absolutely. This was when you actually taped. Like that wasn't an, that was actual tape. No, it was actually live. Oh, that was live. Okay. I've got to wipe some tears away. The actual, in the beginning, we would tape it, and they had to, in a KOMU van or whatever, they had to drive the tapes back over to the studio to then put them on the air 20 minutes after we actually put them on. But then eventually we got the live shot. And that was the one thing they never should have given us was a live shot. I'm pretty sure that the van and the enormity of it, the space inside, I'm pretty sure that was live. Oh God. Because once they cut to us, you know, they didn't know what was up. They had no idea. I just remember, you know, I was this great man, and Tom, well, you just let him go. What a great launch into us talking, because we're going to talk about mental health, and there's got to be something out there that says you have to laugh at least once a day. I mean, really laugh, and it's just good, good, good for you. In the introduction to O'Brien-Nooner, a guy I've known for so, so long, I was actually on LinkedIn this morning, and I looked on your account, and this is what it says, Creative Relationship Builder with Deep, Diverse Network Producing High Outcomes. Damn. Executive, philanthropist, keynote speaker, mental health advocate, Edward R. Murrow and Emmy Award winner, husband and father. You know, if it all ended today, Brian, you have achieved a lot of great things in your life. Congratulations. Well, thank you. And hearing you read that, I probably should put husband and father first. I mean, because those are the most important things. That's true. Very true. And I know you, so I know how important those are, but it's also on LinkedIn. You know, it's not family.com, so it's about your career. But you have done so much in your personal life, in your professional life, and you've achieved all these things, and many, many more. But you talk to me, well, I don't even know, well, the last time you were on the show, it's probably been five or six years. It was pre-COVID when you were on the show last. You're also with Special Olympics. You've done so many things in your life, but something happened, and I want to understand from you what it is that happened, and why you're out talking about it now, and it's so important to me. I meet with a group of guys every other Wednesday. We've got the burro can hang out. We just get into all kinds of conversations. Sometimes it's business. It's family. It's politics. It's religion. In fact, it's probably all of that every single week. And last night, I said to them, I think you guys should catch this. If not tomorrow morning, then maybe it's an archive, because we're going to be talking about mental health, and specifically men's mental health. And I want you to begin and kind of describe for us what you're doing, why you're doing, where did this all start, Brian? Mental health has become the focus of my life on so many fronts, and I was always aware of the topic with my wife being a nurse and just being around health care, whether I was a trustee at Boone Hospital or on the board at Children's Hospital. You know, health care was always present, but they say, you know, you don't really engage to an expanded level unless you go through something yourself, and that's what happened to me. So I was listening to the Missouri Vanderbilt game in the fall of 2020. We live on a small farm. I was up on a ladder roughly 20 foot high, and we had these pinholes, well, actually nail holes, where nails had come dislodged, and the nail was no longer there, but there was still a little hole, and when it rained, water would come through. So I was up there with, you know, some kind of sealant. Long story short, I fell off that ladder, and I don't, I remember, the last thing I remember was the announcer saying, with that kick, and I can't remember her name, but the kicker for Vanderbilt was a female, and she became, she made college football history because she kicked off the second half, so she was actually in the game. It wasn't, she's on the roster. She's in the game, and she kicked off, and with that kick, she makes college football history. That was the last thing I remember, and that's what I remember hearing, and then I also remember being up on the ladder and looking over to my right and seeing one of these nail holes and thinking to myself, can I reach that? Well, apparently, I thought I could, and so my memory did not track, but we recreated the possibilities, and I guess I leaned to the right thinking I could get it. I tipped the ladder onto the right leg and then probably tried to rebalance myself. Ladder spun on that right leg, threw me off. We had our tractor and brush hog in the barn, and a brush hog is steel, and my right side landed on the brush hog, breaking ribs. I had internal bleeding in my right leg, and then my head hit the ground. If my head hits that steel, we're not talking, and so I'm knocked out, and my wife, Candy, who Tom knows, she was getting ready to run an errand, and she knew I was at the barn, so she came up, and if she doesn't come up to tell me, I don't know when they find me, but I'm bleeding in the head, and I'm just knocked out. I wake up in level one trauma center at MU Health, and the nurse says to me, I bet you're wondering how you got here, and I had nothing tracked, and so fortunately, I mean, so many things could have gone wrong. I mean, so many could have gone wrong, but they didn't, and I felt fortunate, so I had these wounds, they would all heal, okay? It was going to take time, but they would heal, and I just didn't waste any time thinking about what could have been, because it didn't happen. Well, as I'm recovering, my wounds are healing, I go to my primary care physician, who for 38 years was my primary care physician. When I started at Channel 8, I was a university employee, I was assigned a primary care physician, and I was his patient for 38 years. He knew me. He knew me. That is awesome. That is unbelievable in this world today. That is awesome. I was fortunate that someone understood my whole history, and he asked me about, how are you doing? It looks like everything's healing, and I said, yeah, definitely the ribs are healing, because I can breathe easier, and he said, any other symptoms? I said, I've got a couple of headaches that just won't go away, and that's unusual. Well, this is COVID now. Now we're in COVID, and he says, this is a symptom. Let's just go ahead and take a COVID test. I test positive. Really? And then, I don't know if any of your audience, if they tested positive for COVID, if they ever had the instruction that the seventh or eighth day are key. If it's going to explode, it's going to happen on the seventh or eighth day, more than likely, but if you get through the seventh or eighth day, then it's probably just going to be a mild case. Mine was mild until that seventh day, and then Candy had to rush me to the emergency room. Wow. And I'm in there, and I'm like, oh my gosh. Just everything is, I'm weak, and I'm just miserable, and I asked the healthcare provider who's talking to me, I said, what happened? And he said, your immune system is shot. It's been trying to stave off infection from your injuries from the latter fall that you are just so weak, and COVID is in there. Wow. So, just moving forward, I was in isolation for 41 days. Holy cow. They wanted to admit me to the hospital, but Candy worked at the hospital, and she saw what was going on, and let's just face it, COVID caught everybody off guard. Everybody was doing what they felt was best, but, you know, it was new. So, at that time, a lot of patients were being admitted to the hospital, intubated, and they weren't coming out. Well, I'm a pretty outgoing person, just a step behind Tom, and my wife knew I would not do well in isolation, because at that time, you know, women were having babies and their husband couldn't even be in the room with them, so she said, we're going to isolate at home, and I thought it was 41 days of isolation, and I just lost myself. It was way too long for someone to be alone with their thoughts, but on top of that, I'm declining in so many areas. I lost so much weight in ways you don't want to lose weight. Of course, these were symptoms of COVID. I never lost my senses, smell, and taste, but I just slid into a place that I never thought existed, nor if I did, I thought I would be there, and I was eventually diagnosed with two mental disorders, severe depression and anxiety. Was that anywhere close to while you were still in isolation, or was it after the fact? It was happening in there, you know, I was just like on a downhill slope towards a chamber of darkness, and you know, it's like you're trying to grab onto something as you're sliding, and there's nothing to grab onto, and you know, I think the most difficult thing was I was really having a difficult time maintaining my will. It wasn't that I, you mean, you mean your will to live? My will for anything, it was just gone. I was so weak. Getting out of bed, doing anything. And I was on a, I was in bed, I would say an average of 21 to 23 hours a day. I was so weak, and I use this expression, it was like I had this invisible weighted blanket, and it was so heavy, I could not push it off, but I was so weak, I didn't want to push it off, because, I mean, Let me ask a question on that. Did you realize that at the time, or is it later that you look back, you know, you know, now that I think about it, it was like a weighted blanket, or were you laying there thinking that? Oh yeah, I was thinking, I was like, why can't I move, you know, and then just the effort to get to the bathroom, it wasn't not a, it was a process, and when I would finally get back to bed, it was like I had worked a 12 hour shift at a, you know, construction site, you know, like a physical drainage, and Candy, you know, she was great, because being a nurse, she knew what to do, but we could communicate through the wall, she'd set the meals outside the door, and I would get them, but eventually I, Wait, so your isolation at home was, you couldn't even physically be anywhere near your wife, like you were stuck in a room alone and couldn't go to the bathroom, that's it. Yeah, it was just our master bedroom, which happened to have a bathroom in it, which helped. When you said shelter at home, I thought it was just you and your wife at home, but no, you were locked in a room, basically. Oh man. Oh my gosh. So, geez. You know, I just, she took away my phone, and all electronics, which I didn't mind, I just didn't even, I didn't, I had lost myself, and when I say losing my will, I couldn't find, I felt so helpless, I could not find something, I didn't, I can't say I wanted to die, I wasn't suicidal, I, but I just couldn't see a way out of this, where I was, and so maybe not a will to live, you didn't have that, you didn't want to go out and live life. Right. Yeah, I just, I couldn't, I didn't see how I was going to do it, I was so weak, and so I am able, well, you know, you have those home tests, and eventually, I'm no longer testing positive for COVID, so now there can be a little more interaction, and I just noticed the kids tiptoeing around, and I was not in a good mood most of the time, and I was, you know, my anxiety levels would go to zero to ten instantly, and most of the time I didn't even know why. And this had never happened before, the anxiety was kind of a new thing? Yeah, I think you have your days, where you can be anxious, or a situation, but it was never continuous like this. And I would have not, anybody cannot ever see this stuff, but I would have never thought of you as someone that has anything, you've always been a very conscientious, concerned, in control individual, a real solid foundation of a person in the area, you really have been all these years, you're kind of, like my dad, TC, total control, he's always kind of been like this. Do you think you were tightening the screws too hard on yourself all these years? That's interesting. I've never thought of it that way, Tom, and I'd have to put some thought into that. I think I had established a standard, I really enjoy helping people, I always have, I always tried to do my job the best I could, you know, I created an expectation. I think it was, I think it was realizing I couldn't get back there, that was really bothering me, and Candy was encouraging me to get professional help, and this is where the stigmatism comes in. So I'm a male, and they always say men have trouble talking about mental health, hey, I was one of them, okay? I didn't want anybody to know, there was embarrassment, shame, will people look at me differently, you know, all that's going through my mind, and I can imagine it's going through most people's minds, if they're in that situation, and you know, I had a visible career when I was on television, and I was not ready to put myself back into society, so I went from being an extrovert to an introvert, and I would not let anybody see me unless I was having a decent day, and there weren't many days where I was seen. So we go a whole year where I'm dealing with this, and I'm just not out, but keep in mind, COVID is happening, so there's not a lot of things happening. Nobody's out. Yeah. Everybody's out. So I'm hiding under that umbrella, and it was probably less noticeable. And then, you know, when a couple people found out, you know, some of my closest friends were actually upset with me, like, why didn't you tell me? And I said, what were you going to do? I know the people that would want to be there for me, and if they could be there in a helpful way, they would, but that was just it. There was nothing anybody could do. It was also, you don't have any idea what you would even begin to ask for from them if you did bring it up. I was lost. There's something, you know, that is innately true about saying, well, you're a male, and I think, number one, women are, in my experience, always been more sharing about their feelings than men. They just are. And the women also have a network of other women, and they share all these things. Guys, while I do have friends, and we do share things now, if you go back 20 and 30 and 40 years ago, guys weren't sharing anything at all, and it's much more likely now, but it's still not as much as women. And yeah, you've got this stupid male machismo that says, no, I'm going to be able to take this thing on, and I don't need to ask for any help, but you run into something like this. It's like a buzzsaw to your entire being. Yeah, and there's things, you know, I say I lost myself. So before I was diagnosed with COVID, I have these injuries, but I'm still able to… What was the timeline from there? From when you fell to the COVID diagnosis? I think I fell in November, and then I think my appointment was like December 30th. So it was right after. It was within… Months. Yeah. Very cool. So I remember talking to my wife about the fall, and we were trying to reenact the possibility of what happened, and I said to her, you know, when you got there, what did you see? And I said, how were the girls? Clayton, our oldest, he was in college, he wasn't at home, but our girls were still in high school. And I said, you know, how are the girls? And my wife said, oh, they just couldn't stop crying, and they still are very upset about it. And I said, was I bleeding that much? You know, I thought it was just the sight. She goes, had nothing to do with that, Brian. And we would ask them if they would hold the ladder, and neither one of them accepted that invitation. And so that bothered me, and I could feel that. I could feel that unnecessary guilt. So I had a doctor's appointment, you know, checking up on my injuries, and we kind of revisited the fall and what we believed happened. And I just remember a doctor saying, you know, Brian, even if you'd had somebody holding the ladder, I don't know if it would have made a difference, because you're so far up, your weight, you know, you think about an entertainer who's balancing plates on a little stick or a dowel, and they're constantly moving, trying to keep it, you know, the balance. So someone who was holding the ladder would have to be doing that. With superhuman strength. Yeah, it doesn't matter how strong the person was. It was an impossible thing. So I shared that at a dinner before I had COVID with the kids, and Candy looked at me and just mouthed, thank you. That's good. Because I think that was one of the things that, you know, you do feel sorry for yourself a little bit, you know, you can't help it. But I had to remember I was still a dad, I was still a husband, I still had responsibilities, and I had to try to focus on where I can still fulfill the responsibilities of those roles I did. And that was the first one. And then we had a family meeting, and I just told the whole family, I said, listen, I am, this is all new and everything, and I know I'm irritable, and, you know, there's quick triggers, but you all have to know one thing, it's not, you have done nothing wrong. And I said, if you do do something wrong, I'll tell your mom and she'll address it. Are we still now before COVID with this particular space? Yeah, this is still kind of dealing with the latter fall. So hopefully I was able to, you know, allow my daughters to relieve them of any blame. And that was important. Very, very important. So then I get COVID, and then I'm isolated, and, you know, we have two situations where I'm very close to death, and one is in the middle of the night, Candy's in the other room, and she must have supersonic hearing because she heard me hyperventilating. And it's like 3 in the morning, and I'm sitting up in bed just doing the, and you know, if you've ever had that, the more you try to draw breath, the more your airway tightens, and the sound decreases. So it doesn't get louder, it gets quieter. And she, I just, what I do remember is her coming in, and just grabbing my hands. And remember, she's a nurse. And so she just says, Brian, you've got to calm down, or you're not going to breathe. And she talked me down. On her way to get to me, she shouted at the girls in the middle of the night, call 911, call 911. So now the, you know, paramedics arrive at the house. And these are high school girls, too, right? Yeah. And in the middle of the night, you know, so paramedics arrive, they check me over. Candy's done a wonderful job of calming me down. But I'm definitely shook, because I felt, I felt like it was it, I mean, that's not a fun feeling. And, you know, I'm still a journalist, always be. And so I'm poking around on these ENT guys, you know, like, asking all these questions. And after the second question, one knew exactly where I was going. And he goes, yes, your wife saved your life. Nice. And, you know, that was just very, that was numbing. I mean, I just sat there and I was, I was very quiet for a long time. Because I know it's obvious that, you know, somebody who has their life saved is grateful. But for you, finding out your wife saved your life starts making you feel like what you're you're less of a carrying your share of what should be done. And she's, she's taking care of you now. And you think it should be what what? I think it was more, I was, I felt fortunate and grateful that I had a spouse that was capable of responding in that way. I mean, not everybody has, you know, a significant other, a spouse, a partner that would know exactly what to do in every situation. And she just happens to be a professional in, you know, in the medical, medical space. And so, so after that, it was a couple of days later, I called her, I was pretty lucid and I said, so I'm just dealing with the effects of COVID, but I'm no longer positive with COVID. So there's a difference. That's why we're interacting. And I just said, Hey, bring, bring a pen and paper. And so she comes up with a positive attitude. Okay, what are we, what are we gonna do? You know, a to do list or whatever. And we planned my funeral and she was not happy with me. She said, you're, you're giving up. And I said, I'm not giving up. But look what happened the other night. And I said, if, if, if that happens again and we don't have the same outcome, I, I have a responsibility as your husband, as you know, a father, let's just get all this in place. And I said, we don't want it to happen. I don't want it to happen, but if it does happen, you have this. So it's, you know, going over insurance policies, you know, our will, just revisiting everything where they were, you know, who the pallbearers would be and so on and so forth. And oddly, that was such a relief, really. And I think it was because it was another example of where I felt I was contributing and taking a little bit of control, maybe taking a little control, but also relieving her a potential burden. And I said, listen, if something happens, this part here, you give to my brother, he'll get, he'll take care of that. But you know, she, I, I just, I was so scared and the reality of how close I was, I just felt that obligation. I can still do this and we're going to do it. It's uncomfortable, but I felt some relief after that. And I don't know if Candy did, but I was like, okay, that's in place. You know, if, if I happen to die, okay, at least I've, I've done what I can do. From personal experience, if I could give some other guys some advice on this, never prepare one of those documents and simply leave it for your wife to find, because that's what I did just a couple months ago. I watched the videos late at night. I said, watch this video about, they were like all the passwords to access your computers, where all that stuff is. So I was just like an, Oh no. So I just typed this thing up and just left it by the coffee maker for my wife to find. She's like, Oh no, what's going on with this guy? She thought she was like, and I had left for a meeting that morning. So she was like, is he dead? Like, did he die last night? So guys have that conversation first, let them know I'm going to prepare this. This is why I'm okay. Don't do what I did. Don't do what I did. I can't imagine the mind would just go a hundred different directions. She thought I was dead. What? What did you and your doctor talk about at the last appointment? Exactly. So prepare those conversations. She came to you and said, we really need to do this. No, no. No, no. I called her. Okay. You called her. Okay. So I want to make sure. I feel bad for Candy. She thought, to-do list, we're doing something fun. Yeah. She was like, all right, what do we got? Let's talk through my death. She's like, I don't want to talk about this. Yeah. It was, I mean, she immediately said, you're giving up. I'm lucid and we can do this. We don't know if something is going to happen again like it did the other night. So I really struggled. Like I said, I just didn't tell anybody. I didn't want to tell anybody. And I had Candy, which was wonderful. And she was quietly, but quietly, quietly persistent about getting professional help. Just dropping business cards around the room. That kind of a thing. They just slide under the door each day. And then a tablet with somebody's face on it, ready to talk to you right now. That's her way to do it. So I, I had a follow-up appointment with my primary care doctor and I eventually said, you know, I, I, I recognize I need professional help. And he had been encouraging too, but I just felt, and I'll say this to your audience, for me at least, I had to realize I needed it. I mean, people can tell you and suggest it, but if you don't recognize it yourself, I don't know how successful it can be. You know, you could be that reluctant kid going to, hey, um, mom's enrolled me in ballet and I just don't want to go in. And I mean, this is as you, and I want to talk a lot more during this. We could probably talk for three hours, Brian, about what you're talking about right now. I mean, it's really, it's really true. What you're doing right now, mentalhealthhuddle.com is your website and I'm on here right now. And you're sharing these pieces of you and what you've learned about mental health and awareness of that and, and ways to, to work through these problems and share it. You're going through it. So I want to talk about that. But is there a level of some kind of therapy you find in even sitting here today and opening up about it? Yeah, you know, I think by sharing my story and everything I've learned, I'll, when I do a presentation, um, through the mental health huddle, um, and I have one coming up, um, I'm going to be speaking to, uh, the Blue Springs Police Department about mental health. The first thing I say is I'm not a medical professional. And this goes back to my, you know, my doctor of 38 years. And he said, you know, Brian, with your background in media, I'd just like to say you, you have a story to tell and I hope you share it. And I thought a lot about that. And, um, a couple people suggested a book. I said, no way. Nobody's going to read a book that I write, you know, but more and more, you're a talker. You're a talker for a living. Use that. More and more. I thought, well, maybe I could do this now. So you're a minister. So you'll appreciate this hopefully. So I'm going through this, but I'm also have to look at where I'm at in my life. I have taken a job with Special Olympics, Missouri. I'm working with a population of Missourians with intellectual disabilities. Um, Caleb Rowden, the Senator at that time had nominated me without knowing what I was going through, um, had nominated me to be on the, uh, Missouri State Department of Mental Health Commission. And Governor Parson appointed me to that. And then, and this is wild. All these things are going on. This is kind of like, as I'm coming, I'm at Special Olympics, Missouri beforehand. Okay. Cause you and I had talked on the radio, but the appointment comes during my recovery and I was, um, I just looked and I said, I think I'm being put on a path because again, now I'm a patient and maybe I could share the patient's point of view. But I have a, I have a friend, Mike Devine lives here in Columbia. We went to college together and in college we were in a fraternity, frat boy surprise. Um, but Mike and I, um, we would go to church together and when you're in college, you know, maybe church isn't a priority, but Mike and I, we, we have the, you know, same denomination and we would go to church together and he's my, I call him my most religious friend and his name is Mike, but we all call him Father Mike because he's so dedicated. Now priests may not like that, but he's Father Mike. But so I call, I call Mike, uh, I'm just, I'm really low and, and I'm just not getting better. And, and Mike is very empathetic. You know, he's, I called him for a reason and, and I, I guess in a way I was looking for, you know, some support. I was really trying to tell people, I don't want a pity party, you know, but there are certain people I could talk to a little bit more directly. Mike was one of them. I called him up and I said, Mike, I just don't know why this stuff is happening to me. And he didn't say, I, you know, I kind of expected him to say, you know, I'm sorry you're going through this and all that. And he didn't say any of that, which was a little uncharacteristic. Instead he said, uh, noon, I think God's trying to get your attention. And that's exactly what he said. And I said, well, he has it. And he goes, well, maybe not, not enough. And um, do you mind if I share something there? One of the things that I, we, we preach on this, I especially talk to our youth groups about this, our young adults about this and men especially is I talk about, and you can take the religion out of this if you want to, but I always say the devil's best tactic is to isolate you, to make you feel like you're the only one that's ever had to deal with this. And you're the only person going through this because that's, once you're that completely isolated, it's way easier to kill a soldier. That's all by himself than it is 10 guys standing together, prepared to fight. So if you want to take the religion out of that, I can just say one of the most dangerous places you can go is to be completely isolated and completely alone. And as men, we want to be islands, right? We want to be the big strong guy that can burden anything, but that's not the way any of us function. We all need those support areas. So whether that's church, good friends, it sounds like you have an amazing wife, so hearts out to her because she's done an awesome job with her, but we can't do this by ourselves. We can't do life by ourselves. Well I think that's what you were sharing when you're going right now and when you're going around and speaking, I mean, Blue Springs Police Department, can you imagine what cops are going through on a regular basis? I only know some pieces of it because all of my friends, I spent a couple of hours with my buddy's retired chief of police earlier this week and we shared stories and we wound up going down a path of some of his struggles when he was on the force and it was very, very difficult. I've known him for, jeez, 20 years now. We've never had that discussion before. And so, you know, sooner or later you need, and sooner, you need to share these with somebody and get it out. Well Mike continued to say, you know, I think he wants to have a stronger relationship with you. And I said, Mike, of all people, you know, you know my faith because we always can, it can always be stronger. And I didn't realize it at the time, but that was the switch. That's what flipped me to, okay, you're not going to give up, you've got to find this will. Nice. And that's when the reprogramming began and that was when I started seeking professional help. Professional help for me was the difference maker. I think between my wife, family, and Mike's phone conversation, that moved me in that direction to talk to my doctor about it. Were you diagnosed with depression? Yeah, I had been. Anxiety? Yeah. Were you, I'm going to ask other personal questions, were you prescribed any medications to help you with that? Sure. Yeah. And I would say the medication that I was prescribed was mostly directed towards anxiety, that if I felt an anxiety attack coming on, I could take my medicine and it would level me out. It would bring me back to level. It wasn't, and I had to be careful, but I could only take it twice a day and it wasn't like you wake up in the morning and you take it and go to bed and take it. It was kind of situational. Well I, that helped, but what really helped was I had an amazing psychiatrist and she connected me, we had conversations, you know, it, she, she was very effective of having conversation and incredible listener. And then she started helping me identify triggers, which was so crucial. And then did you even know there were triggers? I knew there were triggers. I didn't realize how many there were. And so we start working to identify, so it was a process, identify, avoid, and eventually eliminate. And so I started having, you know, the analogy of having a tool belt. She was introducing tools for me to put in my tool belt. And when I was, when I basically had gone through working with a psychiatrist and a psychologist, I had tools. And so it was just a matter of, so he told me, this is not curable. These are not curable. That really knocked me off balance. I mean, I was like, Oh, you know, and, but you can manage them. And I was like, what does that look like? And they said, do you know anybody who's a diabetic? Actually I know several. Okay. Well, diabetes is not curable, but it's manageable. And that was the perfect answer for me. So I slowly built a routine with the help of all these people I'm talking about. And then my therapist says, Brian, I think it's time that you start sharing with some people. And so she made a suggestion that, you know, identify, you know, five to six people that you feel comfortable with sharing it because this is going to be therapeutic for you and they'll be there for you in any way you need them to be. So I did that. And I had, I had six friends from college. We were same age. The other three were seniors when I was a freshman and they all have come from different, you know, they work in different industries, let's say it that way. But I just, I reached out to them and I said, Hey, I want to share what I've been going through, what I'm dealing with. And I want you to know, because I'm not going to call you when I'm down. I'm going to call you because I'm trying to get back to the way things used to be. And if I can call you and we can have a conversation like we always would have, yeah, that's what I need. So if you see I'm texting you or I'm calling you on the phone, please don't anticipate, Oh, he must be having a bad day and, you know, this is really not a good time. I said, please answer the phone because I'm probably going to talk to you about, Hey, we think of the Mizzou game. Well, and also for them to reach out to you because they want to say, Oh, did you see that score last night? Or, Hey, what are you doing this Saturday? So that was helpful. And eventually I explained it to 20 people. And the person you talked about, our former police chief, he was one of the people I leaned into. Really? We had, we had an incredible conversation and, and, um, you know, uh, I felt I had an ally there and it's so helpful when someone, I don't care who it is, can relate. Let me ask you, and we only have a couple of minutes left and I, and I apologize that we have to start wrapping it up, but let me ask you this and I'll, I'll preface it with a couple of little things out there. There've been stories where people say, do you ever, do you ever get over the grief? And you go, well, no, but you, you make friends with it. You make friends in time. You make friends with it. I, Michael J. Fox, when he was diagnosed with Parkinson's, he had a little tiny tremor in his finger and he and his wife, he used to call it his little friend, like, Oh, my little friends back again. Did you ever come up with some kind of a name for that era or that the, the depression you're like, Oh, the sumbitches back then. Did you ever come up with anything like that? Nothing original. I, you know, I'm a big fan of Dexter, the show, and so this was my dark passenger, but I am, you know, I just kind of made a decision that because I was on the department of mental health commission and I just ended my term as a chair, I'll go back to being a commissioner, I was put in a position and I, I recognize that I was supposed to start to tell my story and help people. So I formed the mental health huddle and I reached out to people that I trusted and could help me build it. I didn't know how to build a website, all these things. But my goal is to increase awareness, educate people, de-stigmatize mental health. And I started with talking to friends and, you know, I've had the opportunity to speak to universities. You know, Barry Odom was the head coach at UNLV at the time, Barry and I've been friends for a long, long time. He brought me out to UNLV to speak. Joe Castiglione, who's the athletic director at Oklahoma, yeah. And you know, we, Joe and I have a great relationship. He gave me my first play by play assignment, which was a big step in my broadcast career. Joe brought me out to Oklahoma. I spoke there locally, I've been able to present at MFA Oil, several HR conferences, which is a great audience because employees are coming to them. And then I, the mental health huddle website, and it's mentalhealthhuddle.com and Tom, I appreciate you bringing it up because, please go to that website. There's some, look on, click on resources. There's resources where you can go and get free and confidential guidance. I feel there's three big hurdles, at least, that I identified with. One, I call it the big gulp, swallowing your pride, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, and getting professional help. Took me a year to do that. Took me three years before I told anybody, really. It's a long journey. Yeah. And people are going to tell you, you're not alone. Statistically, you are not alone, but you're alone. And I don't, I think it's, I think people really need to understand that. It's like, yeah, statistically, one out of every two people in the world will experience a mental disorder at some point. Okay. So yeah, you're not alone on that front, but your personal battle, you're alone. You're alone. You sent me a picture. You have always been a good looking man, Brian. That includes my imagination, not that I think of you, getting ready out of the shower every day. This is a really weird turn. You are a clean shaven man every single morning. I don't think I've ever seen you with a two day growth. You sent me a picture of you with a man from the mountain beard, and I'm like, what the hell? That's really you? Yeah. You know, one of the first people that saw that photo, I think I'm wearing this hat actually, but I'd lost so much weight and I, you know, I, again, the will was not there and I showed it to Fred Perry, who I was a trustee with and we've known each other and, and he looked at it and he goes, who is that? He had no idea. I go, that's me. And, and, and, uh, but you know, I'm, I'm, I'm trying to be a, um, I just think I'm, I've been put in a position and, uh, I didn't die. And I have a message. I'm at an age where, you know, I'm, I don't, I don't really care what people think. I'm going to send this out, but I want to, I want to make it conversational. I always felt when I was, um, you know, working in television as a journalist, that the key to a great interview, like what you do, Tom, is keep it conversational, you know, don't make it like it's a list of questions and I'm just going to go down them. But, um, you know, I'm interested in speaking to any group, um, because I want to introduce people to free and confidential resources so they can begin their, start their path to hopefully getting some help and to let them know it's okay. I told my wife I would know in a year if this is going to work. Uh, July is my one year anniversary of the mental health huddle. Congratulations. And congratulations on that. That is really, really something. It's working and you know, I can't list all the groups I've spoken with, but Dr. Choi had me come over to speak to all the deans at the University of Missouri and, and my message there was someone that reports up to you is dealing with a mental health issue and so they have to be conscious of that. And I share information that I received during therapy, uh, my own research and then of course what I went through and I always started in with, I am not a medical professional. This is a patient's point of view and back to my doctor, he said, you know, you have a story to tell. I hope you share it. I said, but I'm not a doctor and he goes, and that's why people are going to listen. And I didn't even think about it that way. So you know, those were the steps to get me there. I'm, I'm five years in on this and I'm, and I'm, you know, I just celebrate the one year anniversary of the mental health huddle. I'm looking to reach more people, talk any group, um, and it's going to be a conversation and if they want to do a Q and a, I do that. I just am very careful not to give the impression I'm trying to diagnose anybody. But um, I have found that when I introduced the topic and start talking about it, you can just tell by the head nods and the people that aren't on their phones, you know, that that's how I judge it. It was a good talk. I was like, well, I didn't see anybody get their phone out, but you guys can appreciate that job. You've got to be. Brian Neuner, mental health huddle.com, a big, big part of our very big wide mid Missouri community. Thank you for being here. Thank you for sharing. You know, I think we'll do this again. Yeah. You've been very, you've been a friend for a long time, Tom. And I appreciate you giving me this platform because it helps spread the message. So everything you said about me, I, I'd say it's right back at you, Ellis. I don't know you well, but you're doing God's work. So that's, that's good. And except for stealing from the Bible. And I don't agree with that analogy, but he attributed it to the Bible so that he didn't steal it. But Tom, what you're doing for our community, um, being, staying connected and being a voice for the community is so important. And thank you for doing it for all these years. Thank you. Thank you so much. Wow. What a great conversation. I want to, I want to say, um, there was, there was a time that I brought up Ellis on the show. Um, some of the things I was going through on the physical side, um, with being a guy and getting older and testosterone was taking a dive on me. And it wasn't the only thing that was hanging low. You hear what I was saying over there? Here's, here's why I bring it up. When I started talking about it on the air, I was happy to. First of all, you know, in radio, we're all a bunch of hookers out there doing whatever we can to make money. And so I had people come forward saying, we'd like to, we'd like to promote what we do. Would you have a testosterone test? And I said, sure. And find out it's low. And that's part of the reason for erectile dysfunction. Right. And I started bringing it up on the show. I'm like, that's, look, we're going to talk about it because everything else, I'm honest about everything across the board. So I bring it up. Here's what I wasn't ready for guys in the produce section while they're holding a couple of avocados, looking at me and going, dude, you were talking about this stuff and I've had the same, I've got no sex drive. I'm like, what? No man has ever told me that in my life. And they all started coming out. And what I realized was that a lot of us were going through it and it wasn't until they heard me say it, that they were willing to come up to me and talk about it. And while you might not know Brian Neuner, if you, if you do, or if you run into him, I think he would welcome you to bring this up and talk about it. But what's most important is that you've heard somebody talk about it. And so be willing to listen to other people or to share your own issues that you've got going on with someone and keep talking to people because you're going to find someone just listening and they want to get into the whole thing. We got to wrap it up. Which means I need to remind you, and this is really going to, I think, play directly into what we've been talking about, because it's time to keep your eye on the craft. Are you ready? You got to keep your eyes on the craft. You can't handle the craft. Looky here. There's a big difference between shit and Shinola. As my great-grandfather always said, Matumba, keep your eye on the craft. Time to keep your eye on the craft brought to you by Family Focus Eye Care. And Dr. Rich, I got to tell you, my contacts are so comfortable, I think I leave them in way too long. So I'm going to come see you and we're going to talk about Family Focus Eye Care. You can't see the crap if you don't keep your eye on the crap and you can't keep your eye on the crap if your eyes aren't working. Here is the keep your eye on the crap this week. It's mental health. That's what I want you to keep your eyes on. The thing that I think a takeaway that I get from Brian is that he doesn't know how many ladders I've been on in my life and how close I've come to falling. I was on one recently. I had to replace a trim on the back of the house and it was a rented ladder because you have to rent them to get up to the third story, to the roof line of the third story. And I'm up there and that Sunday the wind started blowing and I would have to stop and I'd have to hold on to the ladder and I don't know when that day is going to come that I'm going to trip and fall physically or something emotionally and something psychologically and mentally. I'm going to have an issue. And I think hearing from Brian tells me this can happen to anyone. Anybody anytime. You never know. You need to keep your eye on the crap. That's right. Because it can come around and it can take you by surprise and I'm sure it mostly always does to anybody who's never gone through anything like it. And if you get to be 30, 50, 70 years old and you're like I've never had an issue at all. I never will have an issue. Well like my ED, issues can come along and it absolutely can happen. So please keep that in mind. We need to be wrapping it up now as we start going into the closing credits over here and you did a hell of a job. I won't let you know that. All right. Just as easy as that. Yeah. Just sure. You are doing a great job. Don't do this on your own folks. Talk about this stuff. The best way that you can form relationships is not to help other people. It is to ask other people for help. And there's nothing more powerful in a building relationship. So if you're trying to figure out how to move that relationship to the next level, if you're trying to figure out how to open up to other people, ask other people for help first. And then that really cements that you're going to trust them. If you're climbing a ladder, please ask for help. When you're climbing the ladder of life, we can't do this on our own. We need people holding it and going up there with us. Good words, my friend. Good words. Ellis Bennis helping us out today. Thank you, Brian Neuner. And yeah, you've got the live feed right now, but then the archives available on Facebook, on YouTube. And of course, as audio is podcast on Spotify, Apple, Amazon, and I don't know, probably a bunch of others. My friends live this day as if it were your last, I say to you.